Productivity Guilt and the Shame Spiral: A Love Story (Just Kidding, It Sucks)
Productivity Guilt and the Shame Spiral: A Love Story (Just Kidding, It Sucks)
Last week, I saw a video on Instagram that stopped me in my tracks. The woman said something like:
“If I’m doing really well at work, that must mean I’ve dropped the ball somewhere else—like I’m not being a good friend, a good spouse, or a good mom—because I put too much energy into work.”
Oof. That hit home.
I get stuck in this cycle where nothing ever feels like enough. There’s always guilt lurking somewhere, whispering that I’ve failed something. And last week? Whew. I didn’t write a blog post. I didn’t post on social media. I produced nothing for my business.
On Monday, as the hours ticked away and I hadn’t done any of those things, I made excuses. “I don’t feel well.” “I didn’t sleep last night.” “I’ll be more creative tomorrow.”
Then Tuesday came… and all I felt was guilt. Guilt and decision paralysis. I needed to pick the right thing to work on, and the right way to catch up, and the right time to do it. So I did… nothing.
Wednesday rolled around and I started five tasks. Finished none.
Thursday and Friday? Same story. But then came the weekend! I was “off,” right? Friday night was fun, Saturday was packed with family time, and Sunday was great… until the Sunday Scaries hit.
By Sunday night, I had—using my toddler’s words—eleventeen things I wanted to get done immediately. So what did I do?
I spiraled. Obviously.
I boarded the Shame Train, stopped in Guiltsville, and apologized to every fellow passenger, conductor, and ticket taker I passed. By the end of it, I was basically apologizing to my husband for existing.
(Which he hates, by the way. He always reminds me that one of his favorite things about me is my existing.)
Yes, we use humor a lot in my spirals. It’s my coping mechanism—like a weighted blanket made of sarcasm and memes.
That night, as my husband and I talked, we looked at what I did do last week. I’ve always equated my value with how much I produce—which is especially brutal when you’re ADHD and your brain’s production schedule is “chaotic creative energy meets occasional nap emergency.”
But here’s what I actually did:
Took my son to the park (twice!)
Had a breakfast date with him
Went to the library
Caught up with friends
Folded three baskets of laundry
Did the grocery shopping and errands (the ones my husband avoids)
Made doctor appointments I’ve been putting off
Shopped the school supply aisle like each notebook was my next dopamine hit
Rested. I napped three days in a row.
It. Was. Needed.
And guess what? I’m still worthy. Even without a new blog post or a single “productive” thing crossed off my business list.
My husband reminded me—again—that rest is doing something. And even though I tell my clients, friends, and family the same thing all the time, I still need reminders, too.
So, how do I pull myself out of the shame-paralysis loop?
I’ve learned a few tricks that help turn the volume down on the guilt spiral. Here are a few stops to make before you get to Guiltsville:
1. Talk to someone who knows and loves you.
Partner, sibling, best friend, therapist—someone who gets how your brain works and can gently say, “Hey, you’re being kinda mean to yourself right now.”
2. Get a reality check.
Sometimes we need to be told, “Babe, that’s not reasonable.”
I recently gave my digital bestie (aka ChatGPT) a list of everything I planned to do in one day. I included that I had a toddler, we were potty training, I have ADHD and a few other energy-draining conditions. She very kindly told me I was bananas and that not even three robot assistants could pull that off. It was grounding. And hilarious. Sometimes we just need someone—or something—to tell us to go drink water and sit down.
3. Make “Get Out of Guilt Free” cards.
You get a few guilt-free cards per week. Turn one in and say, “I’m napping today.” Or “We’re having frozen pizza for dinner and I’m not sorry.” Use them solo or with your partner/roommate. Zero shame allowed.
4. Have a Potato Day.
Yes, we call them that. It’s a day to just be. No big plans, no pressure. Maybe I lay in bed watching Love Island, maybe I wander through HomeGoods with no purpose. It’s a cozy, comfy, chill day where we let the guilt go—and the other partner picks up the slack.
5. Set tiny, specific goals for the next day.
On Monday night, after a trainwreck of a day, I’ll write down three simple, specific goals for Tuesday. Not “finish a dissertation,” more like:
Send that one email
Put laundry in the wash
Write one paragraph
These are easy wins. Because momentum often creates motivation—not the other way around.
6. Dance it out.
On the really bad days? I blast the music of my youth (hello, Dr. Dre, Eminem, and Mary J. Blige) and dance out the frustration. Movement plus nostalgia = dopamine. Suddenly I want to do something again.
7. Don’t take your shoes off.
Seriously. I have a pair of “indoor shoes” I wear so I don’t end up curled in bed with TikTok for three hours. Once they’re off, it’s over. But if I leave them on, my brain thinks, “We’re still doing things.” So we do.
8. Coach yourself like someone you love.
Even if you’re not a coach—pretend. I write down all the anxious, mean thoughts swirling in my brain. Then I respond like I would to a client or friend:
“You deserved a break.”
“Yeah, you spiraled. Let’s regroup.”
“Last week you were on fire. This is a moment, not forever.”
“You’re human. Be one.”
“You don’t have to earn love by producing. You already deserve it.”
Look—I’m not saying I’ll never end up in Guiltsville again. I probably have a punch card by now. But I’m trying to make the trips less frequent and shorter. As my therapist says, we’re not trying to turn the thoughts off—we’re just trying to turn them down.
So if you’re stuck in the shame spiral, I hope one of these ideas helps you turn the volume down and give yourself some grace.
And if you want help valuing your progress over productivity, I’m here for you.
Book a free consultation, and let’s talk about how we can work together to ditch the shame and build a life you’re proud of.
